Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

meanwhile over on facebook

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on