Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
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[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I love texting my boyfriend
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.