me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block
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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
someone called Country Music “Farm Emo” and now I can’t unhear that
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”
*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”
“I like your shoes…Hello?”
My mind: “Today was a productive day.” My body: “Please don’t drink 11 cups of coffee again.”…
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.