@allisulli

LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block

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@rad_milk

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

@treydayway

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

@jjax44

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

@str8upjuggahos

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

@JustMeTurtle

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

@twitdeedum

I was going to do the dishes but they weren’t in the mood.

@DairylandDon

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

@gerryhallcomedy

Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces:

Your car got paint on my keys.