@allisulli

LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block

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@girl_a_whirl

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

@KeetPotato

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

@norkuy

someone called Country Music “Farm Emo” and now I can’t unhear that

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

@KyleMcDowell86

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

@andlikelaura

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

@laurajennyjo

“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”
..

@TheTobbie

My mind: “Today was a productive day.” My body: “Please don’t drink 11 cups of coffee again.”…

@Maddy_ubert

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

@DearAuntAbby

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.