My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
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“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated