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yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses


How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”


It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.


I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8


I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.


I was going to do the dishes but they weren’t in the mood.


Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.


Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces:

Your car got paint on my keys.