“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
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– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
A choir of Spring onions
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
when a toddler tells a story
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?