Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

*pronounces patio like ratio

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages