Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

I mean…but I did

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

me and my fake scenarios

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

feetloaf

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

Unimpressed