London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
You Might Also Like
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
March 16
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Pringles
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS