Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

blocked.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

What a year we’ve had this week.

work smarter, not harder

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”