A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
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Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
this came to me in a vision
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*