@thomaswhitehead

London is like the best era of Batman at the moment. Well-orchestrated mild commuter panic and Prince stalking the streets.

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@secondofhername

[if Lois Lane was a witness]
Criminal: *puts on glasses*
Lois Lane: I’m sorry, I’ve never seen this man before.

@Papa_Mex

I hate it when the neighbor’s dog gets out because I accidentally pick the lock on their gate, leave it open, and put down a trail of food

@david8hughes

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

@50NerdsofGrey

She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.

@InternetHippo

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

@WilliamRodgers

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.