Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

The dark side of Canada

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.