Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

I’ve been learning to cook.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating