“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
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[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.