Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
You Might Also Like
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
$3 #books
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
It’s on my to-do list.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.