Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
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“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
@ candidates for local office
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys