Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
You Might Also Like
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Labreador
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”