Me: “Hi, do nurses still give sponge baths?”
Nurse: “Sir, you’re just here for a blood pressure reading…”
*pulls pants back up*
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
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me: wow it’s hot down here
guy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
If I were really famous, I wouldn’t even need body guards.
These maxi pads promise me 10 hours of protection, each.
her: call me names
me: [panicking] john jacob jingleheimer schmidt
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back