@candy_badass

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

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@NotPeterStark

Me: “Hi, do nurses still give sponge baths?”
Nurse: “Sir, you’re just here for a blood pressure reading…”

*pulls pants back up*

@PatsATweetin

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

@Vodkantots

If I were really famous, I wouldn’t even need body guards.

These maxi pads promise me 10 hours of protection, each.

@_coryrichardson

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: [panicking] john jacob jingleheimer schmidt

@punmagnate

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

@curlymalloy

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

@_elvishpresley_

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

@batkaren

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back