Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
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It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I have so many questions.