Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses