Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

Growing up was a huge mistake

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Never mess with a drunken pig.