Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

If my kids invented a drink.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”