Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

My five year plan is a meteorite

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.