Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant