long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
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Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
lol
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.