Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

my nickname in college

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.