[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
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My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich