Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

Pigeon open mic night.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

grandpa was shocked

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

Ironic