Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

Voting is the worst group project

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

🤣😂

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven