Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
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Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”