Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
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I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
peep davidson
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)