long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
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Look, I respect the skill. But no.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Hmmmmmmm….
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.