long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
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Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My hips? Compulsive liars.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.