Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

A double negative is a big no-no.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.