Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.