long lost
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Well, that should do it
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU