long lost
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Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag