long lost
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
When I laugh on my period
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it