long lost
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Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
mood
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Hey i am sexy to you now