Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
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I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Pat is about to own someone
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.