Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

Fixed this for Shakespeare

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.