Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
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ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
WHY would you be happy about this?
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.