“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.