“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
You Might Also Like
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]