“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Perfect.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.