Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
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The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
beware of dog
(jukin media)
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Every haunted house movie:
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.