Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
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Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
January is lasting longer than my marriage
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.