Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
You Might Also Like
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
craving $300 all of a sudden