Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

in 3 months

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

I used to put eggs in the trunk with the rest of the groceries but now that they are $9 a carton one of the kids can ride back there and the eggs can take a car seat

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.