longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
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I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.