longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
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*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
