longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
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Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now