Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
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I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
A classic…
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…