Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

Fight

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

My new favorite headline