Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

This could be us… but you playing

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.