Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.