Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.