Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak