Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

*pokes sex life with a stick

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.