Look, a pure bread cat!
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if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.