Look, a pure bread cat!
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Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
✌️
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.