Look, a pure bread cat!
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“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Sunday
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Yup!
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver