Look, a pure bread cat!
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My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
When ur friends with white people
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief