look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
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Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂