look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
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You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
🙂🐾
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.