look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
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Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
There’s always that one guy
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?