look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
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My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Sheep
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman