LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
#Caturday
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
“We will wed,” I threatened
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?