LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Fruity
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
That’s easy for you to say
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Every work call, he judges.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.