LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.