Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.