Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
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Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
If snakes were wide
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship