[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
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I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: