Look, all I’m saying is that the dinosaurs didn’t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.

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A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.


I miss the old days.
When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.



-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.


Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda


I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.


BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise


WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again


If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,


okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS


Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??