@TheMichaelRock

Look, all I’m saying is that the dinosaurs didn’t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.

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@BrdnHatesYou

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

@cynicuhl

I miss the old days.
When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.

@CatherineLMK

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

@MumInBits

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

@better_off_dad2

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

@dukelongboard

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise

@rockymomax

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

@UnFitz

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

@IamEnidColeslaw

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

@FeelingMervis

Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??