Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer