Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary