Look at all of these beautiful horse
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

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Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude


Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair


“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people


[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit


Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.


You know you’re old when you see the neighbor’s dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.


[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous


911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.


Whenever I’m in the mood for a bowl of wet meat and vegetables, I always choose Soup.™