Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
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Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail