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I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza
[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you