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What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
finally
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.