Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

any last words?