“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
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If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
weird email i got today
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Pickled cat.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.