“Look at me! I’m a ninja!” – 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.

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Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.


Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan


8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??


2 cats smoke catnip and lay around, discussing Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. “What if the laser pointer is just a projection?”


Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.


My cab driver just described Seattle as “Not that horrible of a place.” Get that guy a job on the tourism board.


HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?


I just heard a dad at the gas station talk to his kid in a creepy Emperor Palpatine voice. At least MY dad just yelled like a normal psycho.


Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.